A rebel without a cause?

We all have this habit of us wanting to believe in something which we probably don’t.

Like in eternal peace or sometimes even religion.

I dunno why but I have this dumb habit of making myself believe the freaky-not-even-worth-convincing-myself things. Things that doesn’t matter whether you believe in it or not. Dunno why I do that.

For one, I used to think that I hate non-veg jokes. Now why the hell would I wanna convince myself that I don’t like non-veg jokes?

I dunno. But I did. And for sometime, I think I even succeeded in fooling myself.

That was until I found out actually I enjoyed “all sortsa” jokes. And it surprised me….and even more, I found out I could crack non-veg jokes too. Whoa! :-O

Another thing that I “thought” I hated was swearing. Apparently, I couldn’t stand swearing.

Then I started swearing…at the lowest level. You know, just a teeny tiny “S**t” when things don’t go my way.

And now today, I used the F word at this friend of mine, who was trying to piss me off and well, succeeded a li’l for sure! I used the F word for the first time in my life and I supposedly hate swearing.

Surprise! Surprise!

It didn’t feel bad. Didn’t feel anything at all.

That was when I knew I didn’t care a damn about swearing.

And I remember I’ve had this dumb habit all my life.

While I was in 7th grade, I used to pretend that I “idolized” Sachin Tendulkar, when I knew that I didn’t give a damn if he was still in the team or not. And I used to have lotsa pics of him; maybe I just wanted to show my pals that I too admired someone madly. After a while, I think I grew tired of fooling myself.

But then again, there are certain things which you convince yourself soo badly that eventually you start believing in it.

I think it was the time after I lost my “interest” in Sachin, that I started channeling my energy into this other celebrity.

He was much younger, which I think was the most appealing thing about him. And yeah, also he was rich and famous. That also helps, by the way.

At certain point, I lost control of what was happening, and started getting obsessed. Obsessed as hell.

For 5 freakin’ years. (Omg, it’s been that long???:-O)

The things I did, I’m ashamed of myself. *Blushing*

I’m almost sure that I was even more nervous than him, when he was competing against his biggest rival in years, in Olympics 2004. I almost couldn’t watch that race coz I was soo freaked out. And when he did win, I won!!! Crazy!!!

I still have the hundreds of photos of him that I used to drool over every single day, in my pc.

And I can’t bring myself to delete them even now. Traces of feelings I once had still lingers.

Even now when I hear his name, I listen. Even now, when I hear he broke his arm I feel a li’l something in here.

Feels like he’s someone I grew up with. Which’s partly true. Only that he doesn’t know that fact.

Now, I’m moved on. For better, I guess.

I wonder how many things I’m bound to discover along the way that I thought I believed in and which I probably didn’t.

Maybe all I wanted was a cause to stand by for.

A rebel without a cause, that’s what I am.

p.s: i'm almost sure this doesn't make any sense, but hey...whatever!!!