I feel blue

You know how you plan and chart out things and then life decides something else altogether? Yeah, that.

Things were supposed to get better, happiness was just near-by and I was supposed to be doing something else, planning something else other than how to finish off the 12 pending things before the "follow-ups" came at work. Hell, I could not even go through with the one thing planned for today!

That lump in my throat refuses to go away. 
 

I want to..

• To go on a vacation with him
• Have the will power and courage to pursue my dream
• To stay deeply in love without having to get married 
• To not spend my life slogging my ass off like I do now (this is where I remind myself of being a ambitious career woman)
• To write more (voice at the back of my head says riiiight)
• To stay in touch with friends more 
• Wake up next to him everyday. Okay, even live in the same city would do at this point.
• Hear that my parents approve of The Boy

I guess r/aww will have to do. For now. 

Rainymood

My moods are like sine waves these days. I spent the whole of yesterday not talking to anyone if you don't count the "can you pass me the salt?" that is. And today I am back to the naïvely-optimistic-me-mode. M suggested I do at least one thing productive every day. I think he thinks I am going insane. Which just *might be* true.

2011 has been a complete bitch till now. You know that year that you want to fast forward? Yeah, that one.

Things have not been the same since March.  Ever since I brought the Christian boy home. The fact that I still haven’t found a job doesn’t help. So now I am in Bangalore; in between searching for jobs, trying to get the parents to stop referring to him as ‘The Trap’ (insert straight face here) and trying to make my peace with the joblessness, my day passes. My Thrissur chronicles at that sonofabitch’s coaching centre, that whole year, was hell for me. It took me years but I have come to peace with it and now when I look back all I can think of is how it made me so  much stronger. Thrissur has repaid me in the best way possible (the Christian boy, if you must know) and someday, and please god let that someday come soon, I hope I can look back on this as the lessons learnt and not the frustration-filled weeks that went by.

I don’t regret the past two years even for a second. They think it’s a big mistake, that I have changed a lot and not in ways they would like me to yada yada, but I know how wonderfully liberating the past two years have been for me. I know I have changed and moved more towards the self I want to be. It has darker shades as well, but that’s okay. Life is not about being perfect and pleasing others, but about embracing whatever you are. And I am going to hold on to that. 

By the way, you, thanks for the sennheiser love. They’re great when I feel like shutting out the rest of world.

Growing up..

It just struck me today that this blog is almost four years old. Started with so much enthusiasm, like I always do, somewhere down the lane pushed to the back of my mind by so many things, half of which was dealt with like a life-or-death issue but which I laugh playfully at now..But it always comes up every now and then, and I give in. Well, at times.

I have discovered new songs and playlists to play in infinite loops, known what love and heartache truly means, become a certified engineer,  moved to a new city, become almost-an-mba, known the pangs of job hunting (first true taste of the real world, I guess), found friendships that I know will last a lifetime, gasped at the old ones are now wives and mothers, seen the sister get married and settled and happy (still not grown up if you ask me), discovered and added new favorites- books, authors, people, places, memories, pleasant and unpleasant things about myself and others, undergone a makeover (well I mentioned moving to Bombay, didn’t I?), forgiven and forgotten people, seen dad retire,  moved past few of my insecurities, become more confident, and gotten more comfortable being myself. I have realized that growing up is not that difficult once you learn to differentiate between the things which are important and which are not, but once in a while nose diving into those childhood memories always helps. 

As I look back on the 18 year old me (who is responsible for all the teen angst initial posts, late bloomer I was) amusingly, all I can think of how the 27 year old me is going to look at the present- me, and chuckle. 

27th November 2010

Birthdays would be my favorite thing ever if it weren’t for the growing older part. 

Started the day cutting Birthday cake in the hostel with my girls, opening the many gifts they very generously got me, bonus points for the picking up the not-so-subtle hints I have been dropping for some time now. I could not get the thought that by next year all of us will be working, dispersed throughout India probably, some even married out of my mind. 

Early morning called for a haircut, nothing like a haircut to make you feel all sexy. Even if it’s for a day.

Then someone sweet enough to remember me telling him reading Amar Chithra Katha is like opening the door to my childhood gifted me the entire set of Amar Chithra Katha ‘Mahabharata series’. And the screenplay of Before Sunrise/ Before Sunset my favorite romance flick, you know the one which always surprises and cheers you up no matter how many times you have watched it. The movie you love so much it could very well have been your baby.

Lunch at Jughead’s with couple of my favorite people in the city and by evening I got all dressed up for dinner at Not just jazz by the bay, the one near Marine Drive, the one which has been up there on our places-to-eat list for some time. After a quick walk along marine drive (which has suddenly sprung to life after I started my wearing specs by the way) we got the best seats there, right at the extreme end, the one facing the sea.

Dinner with all my favorite things combined, and some flowers later, it was time to finally turn twenty-four.

Looking back at how the day went, turning 24 might not be *just* that bad, you know.

Happy Birthday to me!

Reassurance

It's a Saturday and even though I've been waiting for the weekend to come, when it actually does, all I want to do is..nothing.

It has been a long long time since I woke up in a house all alone, and strangely for a person who hates being alone, I like it. The silence seem to clear up a lot of stuff inside my head and everything seems to be moving at my own pace. A songs pops up on my play list, one I used to be very much addicted to. But this one's a different version and weirdly this is very much what is going on as well. I love how I have songs associated with each phase of my life and how every time I hear it, I get teleported there, each song is like a box full of memories.

Blog hopping has become a habit these days, a habit long-forgotten since the engineering days. Now that I'm doing my summer internship with not much work I have been reading a lot. On the net, i.e. My real reading habits have seemed to withered out with my growing net addiction.

I had almost fallen out of the reading, writing habit (blogs and otherwise) but thanks to those amazing blogs I have come back to my old flame.

Sunday Highs

Sundays are the best thing to happen to mankind or what? (after Brad Pitt ofcourse), it is the light at the end of presentations (read mba) tunnel .
Watch a movie late into Saturday night knowing you get to wake up late the next day, get up and rush to Madras Cafe, Matunga (can it be called Tradition if its just a month old? :D) for a brunch that will make up for all the shitty food throughout the week. *gets high thinking of the hot the-exact-right-amount-of-crispy-vada and the divine filter coffee*

Get back, rejoice in the joy of laziness and wait for some good soul to come with up a plan for the evening and hop right in when they do. The best Sundays are when we end up going for some play and finally end up at Marine drive. Makes u wish there was a pause button for life.

Quite funnily, it’s doing the little nothings that makes me feel most alive.